It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
