I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
