What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
