dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
