Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Randomize
