don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
