Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
No...this little piggys going to the bar
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
