I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
