genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Randomize
