I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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