This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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