remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
no, there's no challenge. I live a humble lifestyle out of virtue.
You wear Armani Exchange.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
