apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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