When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
