nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize