Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Randomize
