I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
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