i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I just want nice things and good sex
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
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