i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
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