a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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