someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
