I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
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