Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
