Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
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