I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
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