Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
Randomize
