It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Randomize
