What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
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