When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
