I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Randomize
