dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
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