I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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