I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Randomize
