I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
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