Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
im holly from the hills drunk
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
