Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Boobs speak an international language.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Randomize
