I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
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