I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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