honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
