I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
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