I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
