I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
