just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
