I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
