my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Randomize
