I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
nutella sex= disaster
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize