If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
