I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
They have beer where we have blood.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize