He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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