I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
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