I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
we're so committed to being not committed
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
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