I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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