I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
