I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Randomize
