Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Randomize