if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
