Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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