who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
