Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
We need a shit load of segways right now
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
