dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
