Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
