i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
