Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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