My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
don't judge my taste in strippers
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
