Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
